Oh no, I am my mother……

Remember when you were young and your mom would tell you not to do this or that, or will drill you on where you going, who are you going with, the who , what, and the why’s of your plans? What did you think – ” I will never do this to my kids”. You know it’s true, just admitted ūüôā

I used to get so mad at my dad when he would tell me to get to the dinner table and I would answer that I am not hungry, he would answer that nobody asking if you are, just come to the dinner table.¬† Well, guess what I tell me kids now-nobody asking if you are hungry……¬† How funny is this.¬†

I try not to be my mom because as a child I remember her comparing me to other friends of mine, always asking what the grade my girlfriend got, and why I did not bring better grade.¬† It used to drive me nuts, but I did not tell her that till some what recently that it made me feel crappy and not good enough and that no matter what I do it is not good for her.¬† I don’t know if she was trying to realize her dreams through me or what, but it was nutty. And again, only now, as an adult, I told her all these and guess the answer¬†– if I did not push you, who knows what you’ve become – greatness.

I am all about pushing kids to appreciate work, to get them off the couch, but without bringing them down.  How many of adults are on antidepressants?  And what made them that way?

I have two kids, boy who is about to start driving, and a girl, who just started her double digits.¬† The boy had never been a challenge in school and even now he is very responsible for his work, school work that is and that gives me comfort that I can step aside and just monitor from a distance.¬† But also I have to add, I did not established many friendships with his friends mom’s, so I really don’t have anybody to compare him to, but his own grades ( and I am so proud of his accomplishments). He gets excited when talking about chemistry and that tickles me.

And then there is the girl, who had been straggling for the past two years in school, we had to stop extra curriculum activities because of the extended tutoring.¬† we tried so many different things and she can¬† not find her calling.¬† I wanted her to play violin, she is very much capable, but she hates it now, and yes, I played violin too, but I did not want it for her as a career, just to learn an instrument and appreciate it.¬† That did not happen. Her school, her activities, her general fatigue reaction to life bother’s me.¬† I find myself thinking-why can’t you, I catch myself on the thought of asking how her classmates did on the test, but I stop myself because I remember how it made me feel, but I don’t know how to¬†channel this “competitive spirit”.¬† I say the words under my breath, just to get them out, but make sure she did not hear them.

I know that the next generation is different, I know that we should not try to live through¬†our kids, but it’s so hard, you have dreams for them, you have an idea, a plant of how it should be, but then they come and ruin it, bring the whole house down and go their own way.¬† Is it so bad or we think it is?¬† I want my kids to listen to what I did wrong and not make¬†the same mistakes, I wish they¬†understood that we do know better and only want them to be happy and what we do we do it because we love them.¬† And I know you are not hungry, but you will come to the table anyway, sit down, and eat your dinner with all of us together, because this is what families do.

….and may be I am my mother, but so what, it’s not all bad ūüôā

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